Unhappiness Project

When I am troubled, I journal. I write down my thoughts and formulate them into sentences that somehow give me a sigh of relief when I am finished. Sometimes these thoughts come weekly, other times they are a compilation of months just waiting to be unleashed. Today is the day I give you a few months worth of thoughts.

Topic of the day: How unhappiness becomes a mindful journey

I have had such a hard time lately truly being happy with myself. I find great blame in this current situation due to what is going on around me. My area has been hit with double hurricanes and of course the ongoing pandemic hasn’t made the complete devastation any easier to handle. I think the unhappiness comes with the lack of routine from the craziness that has occurred. Either way, none of that is a great excuse. I am the complete controller of my happiness. Me. No one else. So I needed to figure out a way to begin my “Unhappiness Project.”

You see, I am a super duper believer of being “His hands and feet.” I wear a Benedictine Medal in the form of a bracelet to remind me to always make the world a better place, to do good by using my hands that God gave me. Next to that bracelet is my ACTS bracelet. It is a reminder of one of the best experiences of my life and to follow Jesus everyday. I also have a Miraculous Medal that I often wear. This medal has a meaning from the apparition St. Catherine Laboure had of our Blessed Mother. St. Catherine was instructed to have the medal made of the image she saw and our Blessed Mother told her: “All who wear it will receive great graces; they should wear it around the neck. Graces will abound for those who wear it with confidence.” I’m sure you could care less about my choice of jewelry, but these are staples to my daily routine. With my routine being shaken, it has made me just “go through the motions” and have felt robotic in a sense of my daily behaviors.

That was until this past Sunday. I also have a journal that has our Sunday mass readings and place to write down my thoughts, what I’m thankful for and what my prayer requests are. Looking at this book, the same book I’ve looked at every Sunday-there were words I saw in the second reading. These words seemed to have been printed in bold, but they weren’t. They read: “Thus we shall always be with the Lord.” As I underline those words during mass I thought to myself. This. This is it! Why has is it been so difficult before?

We shall always be with the Lord. Always. Not just when it’s convenient, or when you are down and needing His help. Always. The scripture didn’t read “Thus we shall sometimes be with the Lord when it is only convenient for us and our lives allow us to be with Him.” It didn’t matter about my unhappiness with the obstacles of my life. I should always be with the Lord. I was so focused on finding blame for my unhappiness. Trying to compartmentalize it to figure out where it came from, who started it and why was I the target. It was like I was being a referee to a sibling match and trying to figure out who was the first to get punished.

My focus needs to be on God. My happiness comes from Him. If I spent half the energy trying to figure out who to blame for my unhappiness and spent that energy in prayer and thanksgiving I might, just might have had a different outcome. As I write what I am thankful for in my journal it hit me again. All the great things in my life- my wonderful, loving, faithful husband, my beautiful family who I am so proud of and my wonderful leader in my career who has been a listening ear during all of this craziness. Those three intentions I listed were so insignificant as I wrote them but as I read them it brought me great joy. You see, happiness has always been around me. I truly am thankful for those things and I often forget how happy my thanksgiving intentions make me. I felt God saying, slow down, don’t just write the words, feel the words, understand the words.

I skipped over the prayer request section as we prepared to read the Gospel as I felt so many requests flood my brain. So many people are in need right now in my area. So many awful scenes we see in our career and daily lives. I drew a blank, there just wasn’t enough space to write it all. I listen to the homily and found it incredible. You know the ones where you feel like God is speaking to you directly and there is no one else in the church?

The homily spoke on being prepared and the importance of preparedness. In the Gospel reading we heard about the five foolish virgins and the five wise virgins and their journey to meet the Bridegroom. The five wise virgins brought oil for their lamps and the five foolish ones did not. The five wise virgins were prepared. The homily continued about the three types of Christians: 1. One who’s light is bright. This type of Christian always keeps oil in their lamp. People can see their light shining and it is there. This person lives a Godly life and continues to be prepared with getting more oil by going to church on Sundays and Holy Days of Obligation, providing acts of service and being a bright light for their family and peers. 2. One who’s light is dim. This person has a light but it’s running out of oil. You could add more oil and have the light brighter, but this person doesn’t. This type of Christian only goes to church when they are in trouble. When they need God to do something for them. It kind of reminded me about praying to God to pass a test. You ask God to give you an “A” on the test, but you really only studied for a “B.” 3. One who has no oil. This person only did the minimum of making their sacraments and that is it. They do not attend church, they are far away from God and a prayer life. We know they can go and obtain oil and fill their lamp, but they choose not to.

As I made my notes I wondered if I was living up to be the first type of Christian. I felt that was the category I fit best in. Honestly, I was hoping for like a halfway mark between #1 and #2. Because being the first type seemed impossible at times. I know I try hard and I always want to be the bright light for my friends and family. This comes with a level of exhaustion that has set in with the other exhausting things our area has dealt with. So what? Covid and a couple of hurricanes shouldn’t have gotten in the way of my light shining bright. Did Jesus allow misfortunes and events to stop him from helping others? No. He pushed through and kept his light so bright for all to see.

I closed my journal and enjoyed the rest of the mass. What a fulfilling experience to have all the dots connect in a way that was meant for me to hear and understand. I tell you my friends, God knows, He listens and His timing is perfect. We may not always see that at the time, but we have to trust in Him, always. The next morning when I got into my car I grabbed my journel and flipped to my notes from mass. Prayer intentions was still staring at me, blank. I wrote Patience and Forgiveness. Lord, please give me the patience to overcome the obstacles that I face while trying to be your hands and feet. Please help show forgiveness to those that have not received the best version of myself. Lord, let them know I am keeping my light bright for them and for you, it just took me awhile to remember how to keep the flame lit.

As I conclude, I’d like to end with the prayer our priest ended with after his homily:

“Lord, keep oil in my lamp, keep my light burning” Amen.

Hugs and Loves,

Ali