As a mom, I feel like I make sacrifices all the time for my children and my spouse. Literally sacrificing the food on my plate so the threenager can put her little fingers on my already cold supper to grab the last morsel of half eaten roll that she had consumed a few moments prior. We all know that we make sacrifices daily. Maybe it’s to work outside the home to provide financial responsibility. Maybe it’s letting our kids have a friend over when it was supposed to be date night. Or maybe it is just being there for someone when in need knowing that you are missing on “me time.” Either way, we make these sacrifices to benefit lots of people-but do we ever sacrifice our time or ourselves for God?
Topic of the day: Are we just lazy when it comes to God?
This post comes from a homily I heard at mass regarding sacrificing our time to pray. The question posed by our priest was this: Can you wake up even 5 or 10 minutes earlier to make time for God and to pray? This hit me like a ton of bricks. Do I pray? Of course! Could I pray more? OF COURSE!!
Sometimes I feel like we have the attitude of “our time is valuable and precious.” It certainly is valuable, but do you think God’s time isn’t? We tend to sacrifice and make time for all sorts of things in this world. Time to get our hair cut, time to get our nails done, time to go out to dinner, time to go to grocery store, time to go shoe shopping, time to go to the mall, time to hear our favorite band in concert… the list can go on and on. However, we do not carve out enough time for God. Why is this? Isn’t he the one you are praying to and practically begging for that answered prayer? I’m here to tell you that if you only call out to him in a time of need, chances are you are not praying enough.
The truth is we make excuses. We make tons of excuses for our actions and justify them in our head. “Oh you didn’t attend mass Sunday? Well that’s okay because I know you were busy.” Do you think God will say that to you? I certainly don’t. To speak on attending mass: The wonderful thing about the Catholic Church is that it is universal. So you can attend a Catholic Church anywhere you are and hear the same reading and gospel as you would at your parish church. Also, them Catholics LOVE to have multiple masses. I mean what other church gives you SO many opportunities to come and spend time with God? (One of the reasons I LOVE my religion!)
Anyhoo, back to sacrificing. What harm would it cause to wake up 5 minutes earlier in the morning and pray? Read a devotional? Tell God “THANK YOU FOR WAKING ME UP TODAY!” It would cause zero harm! To spend time in prayer is a gift that we can give ourselves daily. Another point our priest made is to encourage prayer with our children. How are we going to be able to do that if we can’t sacrifice 5 minutes of our time to pray in the first place? Has your child ever saw you pray? Do you pray before meals? Do you pray FOR your children and spouse? There are so many ways to increase our faith life. I realize that if you don’t do this regularly, then it might seem awkward. Your kids, especially if older, may question you since they have never prayed before meals before. Be the example and lead them to an awesome faith life. You are molding their behavior and instilling the values and beliefs in their growing minds.
Oh I know some of you are rolling your eyes…here goes Ali the holy roller on her soap box. Eeeek!!! I love you for saying I’m a holy roller!! Thank you!! That is not the case at all or how I feel. I could NEVER be holy enough to satisfy my role in this world. I only work on doing God’s will daily and going on this faith journey that he has in store for me. Of course I do this through holiness and reverence and prayer. Which brings me to my last point. Why do you have to portray the negative thoughts in the first place? Shouldn’t you focus on daily positivity and prayer to better the spiritual path you are walking? One of my favorite sayings: “Being positive won’t guarantee you will succeed. But being negative will guarantee you won’t.”
I am a goal setter so I find the task of sacrificing my time for God easier to do by setting a goal. Especially if you aren’t sure of where to begin or what to do! Set goals to attend mass every Sunday. If you already do that- GREAT! Maybe then set a goal to attend a weekly daily mass this month. Or set a goal to attend a weekly evening mass if your church offers one. Set a goal to have a least one dinner together as a family where you pray before you eat. I know schedules are hard and sometimes you are driving through a fast food place to head to the next activity. SACRIFICE one day and have a meal together, as a family. You will be amazed at where the conversation will lead you. Make a goal of no phones or technology for one hour during the week. Read a book, play a board game with your family, go for a walk outside or say a rosary. This can be hard to do if it’s been awhile since you’ve prayed a rosary. There are pamphlets you can download or pick up from your church to help you along the way. Set a goal to wake up 5 minutes earlier and go to bed 5 minutes earlier and spend that time in prayer. Pick a person and pray for them daily for one week or one month. Remember that God wants to hear from you and wants to know how you are doing. Tell him! Don’t forget to tell him all the good things that are going on, don’t just focus on the bad stuff! If you were having a conversation with a friend, wouldn’t you want to hear about the positive things happening to them? Not just all the negative things! So does God! Open your heart and your mind to being a goal setter in your Catholic faith. What if God was lazy one day and didn’t make his sacrifices for us? I couldn’t imagine what would have happened. So instead of hitting the snooze button tomorrow morning-grab your other hand and fold them in prayer and get your day started on the right foot! Or left-depending on how you exit the bed! 🙂
Hugs and Loves, Ali
“Through him [then] let us continually offer God a sacrifice of praise, that is, the fruit of lips that confess his name. Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have; God is pleased by sacrifices of that kind” Hebrews 13:15-16
No, I’m not talking about the dating kind…this post is going to reflect on the type of relationships you make with those people you cross paths with in life and those that gave you life. That’s right my friends, we are going to hit the hard stuff and talk about my relationship with my mother.
Topic of the Day: Mom-Friend or Foe?
I know people say that parents are not supposed to be their children’s friend. I completely agree!! However, I do believe there is a point in your life that your parent- whether it be your mother or father- can indeed become a friend, an ally, a person you trust and can depend on. This comes at a much older point in your life as a child. Like when you are having children and are completely grown up and independent. However folks, I do not have this.
Don’t get me wrong. I long for the day that I can have a BFF mother. Truly someone who steps ups, shows up and is there. Maybe one day this will happen, but I believe there is already too much damage to reverse what has already been done. Let me explain…
My mother has always been the “speaker” of the family. She was in control, on top of her game and breaking that glass ceiling in her professional career. She was a strong, hard working, level headed person. I believe my independence comes from her. I am a strong minded person as well and I know that our likeness sometimes makes us hard to handle when we are together. Anyway, something happened at some point of my adolescent life. My mother got a second job.
She started waiting tables to make extra money. I was baffled to be honest. My brother and I had always had a good life. Money didn’t seem to be a struggle, my dad made a great living, he had even traveled out of the country a few times for his job. We had name brand clothes, our own rooms and didn’t seem to go without. I remember my dad putting together a binder with credit card company names and balances. My dad was very OCD…that’s who I get that part from. Shortly after they got separate checking accounts. Or maybe they always had them but I just noticed the difference. Dad balanced their joint account checkbook all the time. My guess would be that mom wasn’t responsible financially and now she was trying to fix the problem. Either way, I feel like that was the turn of her independence.
Maybe she felt like she had to rely on dad more financially or maybe she was just feeling less than perfect. This was a turning point. She cared less, drank more and started becoming a person that I knew I didn’t want to grow up to be. I’m not saying this was a “bad” part of my life or that my mother was a “bad” person. We still had everything we wanted, my parents made sure of that. Eventually my mother quit the waitress job and life seemed to level off. She focused on her career, my brother and I focused on graduating high school and life was great.
My mother always took up for my brother during the tough times. I guess this is part of the momma’s boy-daddy’s girl cliche. It is very true though. My father was my rock and my go to for EVERYTHING. My mother was that for my brother. I know as parents you don’t ever say you have a favorite child-but I think it was pretty easy to spot who was each of their favorites. I made straight A’s, was the class president of my high school senior class and was involved in every academic club my school offered. My brother made average grades and played sports. I always felt like my achievements were not good enough for her because she always praised my brother. Hey that’s fine- my dad had my back.
Until my dad wasn’t there. No he was alive and well he just worked shift work. Sleep during the day and work at night. I can remember during homecoming week dad would be getting home from work in the wee hours of the morning and would watch my friends “roll” our house and laugh while he drank a beer in the front yard and watched them. My friends always knew Mr. Mike would be home but they knew he supported the homecoming festivities. He would buy us big packs of toilet paper and help come up with ideas to show payback to my friends. After I woke up the next morning and saw the mess-he would take pictures of everything in the daylight and then go to bed. When I would get home from school everything would be cleaned up like it never happen-the OCD part of my father. We had a great relationship, but when he wasn’t there or when he missed another awards ceremony or something important-my mother didn’t compensate for that. Not that it was her job, but a part of me wishes she understood more of how much I needed and wanted him to be there.
It was a senior honor awards night. I remember sitting in a chair on the gym floor looking into the stands. There they were my mother AND my father. Wow! Finally he was able to come. A classmate sitting next to me leaned over and said “Ali that is so cool that your parents can sit together and support you.” I was thinking what exactly does he mean? I guess the puzzled look on my face was enough so he went on, “I mean since they are divorced and all.” WHAT? My parents aren’t divorced! I said that very loudly. I was so mad that my dad has portrayed this image on me and my family. His absence obviously made a statement in the little ole town I was from. It definitely made a statement in my heart.
This is a small snip it of my adolescent life. Maybe I should’ve been more vocal in how I felt about things. But I couldn’t. My mother did not present herself with an open arms or open door policy type attitude. We never really “hugged” or showed much affection. It’s not because I didn’t love my mother. Trust me I do. I just always received the hugs and loves from my dad. Maybe this wasn’t the best laid plan by them. Maybe they should’ve shared the love equally. Because this is where life gets tough. This is where the relationship takes a plunge into the deepest, darkest water known to man. What happened next will completely change me and my relationship with my mother for the rest of my life…
My dad was tragically killed in a work related helicopter crash. (for the details see my blog post “Why God?”)
After dad died my mother couldn’t cope. I couldn’t blame her-we were all hanging on by a thread really. I was angry with the situation, I was sad about the situation and I was completely heartbroken. My rock, my soft place to land was gone. I thought that my mother would embrace this opportunity. Embrace the idea of filling this void that I now had. Pull herself together and mother her children who just lost their father. Nope. Not even for a single second did she do that. Well-she did embrace my brother, but never me. I truly think it is the “strong minded” or “strong will” attitude I always have that may have pushed her away from this opportunity. Maybe she thought I was okay, maybe she thought I didn’t need the support. Either way I was angry. I was angry that she couldn’t step up and be a mother, a wife and take care of the business that needed to be taken care of after a loved one passes away.
This anger carried on for quite awhile. I ended up quitting my job over the death of my father. And that opened up a lot of extra time to care for my mom. I would bring her to appointments regarding my dad’s death. We would go out to lunch, I would help her in the home, just be there on a daily basis while she “recovered” from the loss. This entire time I just keep putting my dad’s death on the back burner of my “stove of life” so I can be there for my mother. I haven’t even started the grieving process yet as I am trying to get my mother through it. A lot of bad stuff happened after that. Most of what happened I will not share here as it’s not the time but there was a lot a bad and we will say more bad than good.
My brother went down a wrong road and became addicted to Opioid’s. My mother enabled this behavior for a long time (whether she knew it or not). It was a messy, dysfunctional family life. One I dreaded to be a part of. I was jealous. I HATED other people for their “happy” lives. I hated how some friends had such great relationships with their mothers and their family. It came a time that my phone only rang when my family needed me for something and most often that was money. It was a nasty, tangled web of who to blame and what went wrong. Why you didn’t pay this bill or why you didn’t pay this. I was running on fumes and so was my bank account. It became harder and harder to be a part of my family. My extended family was getting involved and calling me. They wanted to know what was going on. I am trying to keep my head above water and keep a job and raise two kids and have a family. Boy my world was turned upside down. I resented my mother for getting us in the situation. I resented my brother for continuing to put us in these situations. I felt torn because they are the only family I had left. I didn’t realize that when I lost my dad it meant losing my entire family too.
Life went up and down. Those of you that have been in similar situations know that there are good days and bad days. Good weeks and bad weeks. We managed to get through it and everyone started to get the help they need. Or so I thought. My mother started seeing a psychaitrist who in my opinion is and was just a pill giver. Depression meds, PTSD meds, sleeping meds you name it- this woman prescribed it and my mother was taking it. It aggravated me that here I was NOT medicated-holding a job, going to work everyday, raising a family, cooking supper, helping with homework etc and yet no one else can live life without medication but me? WHY? This is where I had enough. I can’t do this anymore. Ben and I had just gotten married and we were trying to have child of our own. Stress was playing a huge factor in this attempt to conceive. I had to limit my interactions with my mother and brother. I had to focus on my goals. And I did. I quit answering, I quit replying to texts and only spoke or replied enough to keep us floating above water relationship-wise.
Ironically enough, on my dad’s birthday in 2016 I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. Thank you dad for sharing such a special gift with us! I knew he had a hand in the joyous news but Ben and I were still hesitant on telling anyone until we confirmed with a doctor. While waiting on my appointment to get here I was on the phone with my mother while I was at work. The usual passive aggressive conversation and talk of everyone else’s problems but our own. I was tired, I was happy about the news and I began trying to tell her that I was pregnant. Every jab of conversation and ugly word she continued to talk and not let me finish. At this point I don’t even remember the topic of the conversation. I just got angry-here I was trying to talk to her and say something positive and happy and all she could focus on was the negative. After yelling at each other on the phone and me trying to make my point she finally aggressively says “Are you pregnant or something?!” Why yes mother- that is exactly what I am. The most joyous thing I could think to tell you, one of the happiest moments of my life was just taken out from under me and stomped on in the dirt. I see all these videos of people announcing their pregnancy to their parents. Nope. Not me. Oh well life does go on.
And life did. I got confirmation from the doctor- I was about 8 weeks pregnant. Shortly after that we announced to friends and family and finally announced on social media. My mother was supportive during my pregnancy for the most part. She brought lunch to me at work or called to check on me periodically. She wasn’t the most reliable person still. Not coming to the big kid events or missing things. I am not sure why. I didn’t have the ability to stress about it. I was carrying a beautiful baby girl that needed me to be completely focused on a healthy and happy pregnancy. My mother helped host the baby shower. Well she paid for most of it. My best friend and I decorated everything-set up everything. I made the invitations-she addressed them and mailed them. I am a control freak I guess so maybe mom let me take the reigns. I’m not sure. It was a lot of back and forth and arguing so I just did it and did it the way I wanted. Problem solved.
The shower was great and everyone, including myself, had a wonderful time. Life seemed to be okay after that. Mom and I were at a decent place and I knew that Remi would be born sooner than later. We continued to make final preparations for her arrival. She was born on June 2, 2016. I was induced so I went to the hospital the night before and my mom came that morning before work to visit. I ended up having Remi while mom was still there visiting. I remember after having her, mom went and got me a coffee and then she left for work. Mom likes to bring added anxiety and stress to situations so although this would’ve upset a lot of daughters, I was fine with her leaving and was needing a break anyway.
Then life went downhill again. Mom started dating and made less and less time for family. She would come to an event only to stay a minute then leave. Or only to drop off something then leave. I’m unsure why she still to this day can’t just sit-relax-and visit, but I’m hopeful that this will change.
A lot of issues arise from her blaming me for not keeping her in the loop but it is hard to keep someone in the loop when you don’t stay long enough to be there. It’s kind of like inviting someone to an event and they constantly decline-well after awhile the invite will stop presenting itself. I can only be let down or turned down so many times before I stop trying. My mother and I do not see each other often and when we do it is very quick or for a holiday or birthday celebration. I do not go to her house as often as she would like. I will be frank and say she is one person and I have a family of 5 it is much easier for her to make the trip then us. Half the time she isn’t home due to trips out of town or living her life the way she wants. That is fine with me. It doesn’t anger me that she doesn’t come around often. In lieu of her physical presence she makes herself present financially by giving the kids money or buying Remi things to validate herself as a grandmother. Hey whatever works. But I will tell you, those kids will not remember what you bought them, but they will remember the time you spent. I have not made it easy to spend time with our family. We are busy and yes life and schedules get in the way. I am making a conscience effort to change that.
My brother visits often and we have a relationship just like we used to growing up. I can call him and depend on him for anything and I know he will be there. He has proven himself with his reliability and his trust. I am forever thankful to God for putting him back into my life the way I always intended. He has big shoes to fill with my dad being gone-and he is doing a great job of having my back when I need him.
I am grateful to my mother for the struggles and efforts she has made to provide me with a life that was above average than others. I thank her for the now known efforts of being there when she could while I was growing up. I know now how hard that is as I struggle with missing things due to my job and lack of empathy from my boss regarding those things. I love my mother and I know that is the only one God gave me. I will continue to have a dysfunctional relationship with her and that my friends is the real truth of this. I have forgiven her for the things that have happened that have angered me. I have wanted to move forward in many ways-it seems that when you take one step forward you end up taking many steps backwards. I know we will never have the relationship I dream about. It isn’t possible. But it has made me a better mom. It has opened my lines of communication with my children. I want to know what is going on and I want them to be comfortable talking to me about the hard stuff. I am going to have that open door policy and I want Remi to grow up in a home that love is spread evenly by both parents. I will make sure I am there as much as I can be and love her through every obstacle that comes our way.
My mom and I are still working on our relationship and it will always be a work in progress. We do not share the same strong faith and that has also driven a wedge in our relationship. I thank God for her and her ability to have a steady partner in her life to continue to bring her happiness and joy everyday. I know one day she will not be here and I do not want to regret anything. I move forward knowing that my God and my heart are big and my shoulders are wide and I will continue to carry this relationship and make it as workable as possible.
Continue to work on relationships in your lives. There are people in your life that love you, but may not show it. There are people in your life that need you and you don’t want to be there. These are all okay. Relationships take time and building relationships is a process. An important relationship to focus on is the one you have with God. Where do you currently stand with your relationship with Him? Are you even present? God provides us with the tools necessary to build these relationships. He wants to hear from you and see how are you doing. Talk to Him. Pray to Him. Ask Him for the help you need in mending a failed relationship. Open you heart though, it will not come easy. There will be work and dedication from you to make this happen. Maybe it is a failed marriage, a relationship with your child or simply a relationship with a friend. If it is heavy on your heart, give it to God. Let him guide you through the process. More importantly pray for this person every single day. Watch how wonderful prayer can be and how God will use you in praying for this person to help grow their spirit. God works in mysterious ways, it is up to us to allow Him to do his work and lead by His example.
Hugs and Loves, Ali
“Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus” Philippians 4:6-7
WHOA! Ali you are completely losing your mind and there is no way I will read a post about nudity! Good, neither will I! This my friends is my journey of the day I found out my husband had Melanoma and the emotion that followed his diagnosis.
Topic of the day: Cancer, Strength & Sanity
Now I will be the first one to say, this is not totally my story to tell since Ben is the one who went through this, so I’m telling this story from the caretaker’s perspective. For my personal Facebook friends, you may have heard snip-its, but this will be the deeper side of loving someone with Cancer. I will tell you, it becomes a very hard task.
For as long as I’ve known Ben (yep all 8.5 years LOL), he has always had a freckle on the bottom of his left foot. I used to joke and say that if something ever happened to him I could identify his body by the bottom of his foot. So as the years passed, I never really thought about it. I mean who looks at the bottom of their spouses feet? Now as women I know we sit there and inspect every inch of our bodies, well I do! But men? NAH!!! I don’t think men even look at themselves in the mirror sometimes. Anyway, we are on a cruise in June 2018 and Ben is relaxing in the bed one afternoon. I look over at him and he has his bare feet crossed and propped up in the bed. There it was. The freckle. Except it wasn’t a freckle, it was a blob. I tell him that we should get that checked out next time he has to go to the doctor for something.
Boy does God work in mysterious ways… We are just getting home from our vacation and Ben mentions to me about a pain under his arm. Once I looked at it we realized it is an abscess of some sort and would likely have to be lanced and drained. We get home from the cruise on a Thursday and he goes to our primary care physician on the following Thursday (a week later). I go with him to the doctor because I’m unsure as to what they will do about the abscess or if he needed me to drive him home. While we are there, Ben asks the doctor to please look at the bottom of his foot so his wife will quit nagging him about it. Well maybe I was nagging a lot but for good reason! Our doctor looks at Ben’s foot, looks at us and says, “I am not concerned at all about your abscess right now, this foot is the most important thing we need to be looking at!” He proceeds to ask about the timeline of when we realized the size etc. The doctor reaches in his pocket, pulls out his personal cell phone and calls his dermatologist buddy to get Ben in to have this further investigated. WOW! I’m thinking this isn’t good. I mean the doctor called from his cell? What in the world is going on.
This particular dermatologist office takes a while to get into. Like months. I wasn’t hopeful that we would be seen in a timely fashion. WRONG. The dermatologist office calls the next day (Friday) and gets Ben an appointment for that Monday coming up. At the appointment, the doctor does a punch biopsy and sends it off to the lab. This is the Monday before the 4th of July. Now we sit and we wait.
The day after the 4th of July, I’m sitting at my desk in my office and my phone rings. It’s Ben, the doctor called and he has Melanoma. WHAT!? How advance? What stage? They didn’t know and told Ben that the doctor’s in our area would not be equipped to handle this Melanoma due to its complexity and not having the proper tools at the hospital to handle any emergencies if the removal didn’t go as planned. So the doctor told Ben that he referred him to MD Anderson and we would be awaiting a call for an appointment.
MD Anderson? That is for people who have cancer! Not for my husband. I just kept thinking this over and over. It hadn’t sunk in that he had cancer. It would be 17 days from the day we found out he had Melanoma until we could get an appointment at MD Anderson. 17 days of not telling anyone because we didn’t have information to tell. 17 days of pretending everything was okay.
We get to MD Anderson on July 23, 2018. What a place. You look around and see all types of people. There are people from other countries, other cities, truly other parts of the world. It is an indescribable feeling to walk around a place and see all these precious patients that have cancer. I don’t think we spoke for awhile as we took it all in. Old and young and even children fill this hospital waiting on their appointments or grieving their diagnosis. Completely surreal. We proceed to go to a long list of appointments and get tests that determine Ben does have Melanoma, it is in early stages and they feel hopeful that they can remove it all with surgery.
After multiple appointments on the 23rd and the 24th and chest xrays and lab work and all sorts of tests and doctors we leave with a surgery date of August 1st. Literally the next week. I do not even know what Ben was thinking because I am thinking about the kids, life, who is going to help us with everything while we are in Houston, just lots of unknowns and worry. All I could think to do was to pray. Lord please let my husband be okay, please don’t let this C word affect our family, please keep life normal for me because I can’t function well under stress. Sometimes I think God chuckles at my prayers and thinks this girl surely doesn’t get it. Well maybe I didn’t, and I probably still don’t, but at the time my heart hurt and the unknown was a scary place to be.
Ben ends up telling the older kids and his parents once we were back in town. I’m not sure how that conversation went since I was not present, but I do know that the kids were emotional of the news. At this point we still didn’t know if the Cancer had spread to any other part of Ben’s body since he was going to have lymph node removal done in the groin area at the same time of his foot surgery to be able to test the lymph nodes for Melanoma. We begin to prepare to spend a couple days in Houston for the surgery. I have to arrange sitters, and life and it was truly an overwhelming experience. I am a planner to the “T” and I kept feeling like I was running out of time. I want to support my husband but I need to support my children too. What about my job? What about Ben’s job? We had just taken a vacation..I don’t think either of us had vacation time left to take.
We arrive at MD Anderson on July 31st right before 9am for some pre-op appointments. We spend the day there and meet with the plastic surgeon that afternoon who will be responsible for reconstructing the bottom of Ben’s foot. During that meeting it was unsure if the team would be able to save Ben’s toes or not. This is devastating to hear. We don’t know what is about to be found the next day in surgery and now you tell us that he may lose his toes? Well of course not all of them just two… I guess we need to stay positive?
We wake up early August 1st and head from hotel to MD Anderson for surgery. They call Ben back and get everything situated for him to go to OR. Ben’s dad came to meet us and we were allowed to the OR room holding area where Ben was until they called him back. Seeing your strong husband in a hospital gown laying in a hospital bed so uncertain of the events to come was hard. I just had to tell myself to breathe. Be supportive Ali, make this seem like no big deal. Trying to crack a couple jokes about the lunch lady hair net he had to wear made the time pass. Finally the Anethesologist and Doctors came in to let us know it was almost time. The Anetheseologist stays and says “At MD Anderson we believe in the power of prayer, would you like to pray over Mr. Byrd before he goes to surgery?” UM YES! Okay what do I say? I wasn’t prepared! You know them Catholics don’t do rogue prayer very well! Not to worry, Ben’s dad takes the lead and we pray over Ben and hold his hands until he leaves. Now we wait.
We sit in waiting room for what seemed like forever. We go to the cafeteria to eat, come back to waiting room. Finally the Surgical Oncologist and the Plastic Surgeon come to talk to us. Surgery went well and Ben got to keep all of his toes! YAY! Oncologist said they did have to remove a “glob” of lymph nodes as there were a lot of them in groin area fused together, so instead of removing one or two, it ended up being a lot more. We were still hopeful and was thankful that no toes were lost!
We get to go see Ben in recovery. He had a hard time coming out of the anesthesia. He had vomited and honestly didn’t look great. This made me very nervous. Such a strong man looked so vulnerable. But I still pressed on. I go fill in prescription at the downstairs pharmacy. We are informed that Ben will need a wound vac to go on the bottom of his foot to help the wound heal. The nurse put the order in for one and we were waiting on the medical company to come deliver the machine. During this process Ben couldn’t get his oxygen in safe range. The alarms kept going off and the nurses kept making him blow into a contraption to help him fill his lungs with air. He was so thirsty. I remember him asking me to please get him some water, but the nurse would only allow him ice chips. So I would let the ice chips melt a little and give that to him! We finally get the wound vac delivered but by this time everyone in plastic surgery had left so no one knew how to put the wound vac on. We had to wait for the on call to show up to assist. Finally all is well and we can go back to the hotel!
I get Ben situated back in the hotel. We had purposefully gotten two beds since we knew he probably needed a lot of space for his foot. I prop him up with pillows, get him comfy and he takes his medicine and goes to sleep. It was after 8pm before we got back to hotel so after a long day I proceed to go outside on our balcony and start making rounds of phone calls and answering texts and trying to keep everyone that knew what was going on updated. Ben didn’t have the best night but the pain seemed manageable and as he could tolerate everything we could go home.
In case you were wondering what a wound vac is:
Going home would be where everything got hard. Caring for him was very rewarding because lets face it no one can care for my husband better than me! LOL! But at the same time I hated him being “down.” The simple things he was able to do in the home he couldn’t do because he was non weight bearing. I felt the weight of the home, the kids, our life, was on my shoulders. It was hard y’all. Like really hard! I remember calling a friend and crying saying I can’t do this anymore! Taking care of Ben and a 2 year old was exhausting. Mentally, emotionally and physically exhausting. Ben needed help to the bathroom, bathing, getting a drink of water, food, everything. Just a short 2 days later we would end up waking up Saturday morning in the wee hours to a noise which was letting us know his wound vac lost suction. Alarms going off on the machine and all. After contemplating what to do and calling MD Anderson it was decided to bring Ben to the ER at MD Anderson.
Once we drop kids off to Ben’s parents we head to Houston. I had packed everyone a bag because I didn’t know what the future was going to hold or how long we would be there. My only thought is that I have to get coffee to make this trip! Ben is always the driver-now that was another role I had to assume. He rode in the backseat so he could prop his foot on center console. Like driving Mrs. Daisy!
I had a lot of time to think during this car ride while Ben slept. We still didn’t have results from lymph nodes, here we were making the 3rd trip to MD Anderson in less than 10 days and I have no idea where we were going to be 10 days from now. The thing is, if you let your mind fill with these thoughts it will consume you. Trust me from personal experience! The bad thoughts consumed me. I’ve had such a huge tragedy already happen to me, surely God wasn’t going to put me through something else? Or was he?
We arrive at MD Anderson and I get Ben in a wheelchair and get him to the ER. We were seen immediately and put in a room in the ER area. After speaking to the doctor it was decided to call in the on call doctor over Plastic Surgery. We have to wait for him to arrive. WARNING THIS FOLLOW PICTURE IS GRAPHIC! Once the doctor arrives he removes Ben’s wound vac:
Y’all. My heart sunk. I had no idea what I thought the wound would look like but this wasn’t it. It looked painful, you could see how the surgeon cut the skin around toes to save them. Ben could never see the bottom of his foot up close and personal like I did. He saw a picture but that my friends is no justice of what my two eyes saw. My heart hurt, my exhausted mind was so upset for him. I never realized how invasive all this was. Still my positive attitude prevails. Someone has to keep the mood light! The on call doctor fixes the machine and we are on our way back home.
We get through our weekend trying to get situated after everything that has happened. My company is having an employee dinner that Monday to congratulate us on reaching a goal. We quickly realize that Ben is going to have to wear a sock over his wound vac to dinner. No shoe would fit or go over the hose. Well, we’ve been in worse situations so here we are headed to dinner-a much needed dinner!
We had a great time and it was nice to feel “normal” if even only for a evening. Over the next few days we would adjust to Ben not working, Home Health coming to the house, setting up times for people to go check on Ben so I could go back to work and the what seemed like weekly follow ups we had to do for the month of August. All while I was trying to get the kids ready to go back to school, find sitters for the 2 year old, and take care of all the duties around the house. The wound vac consumed our lives. I couldn’t imagine how Ben felt. It was in the way of everything. To shower, to move, to sleep, to change clothes. You name it- it interfered.
About 10 days after the dinner we had another follow up appointment where Ben had to get the incision on groin area drained. He was experience edema in his leg and that area. Thankfully we find out that the Cancer HAD NOT spread into his lymph nodes and was contained in the area on bottom of foot. YAY!!!! We are so excited!! The Surgical Oncologist was pretty positive that all the Melanoma had been removed with surgery. Ben would still have follow up appointments as well as dermatology appointments at MD Anderson for the rest of his life. At the next Plastic Surgeon follow up just 5 days later he was able to remove the wound vac! YAY! More great news!
My new norm would be Ben going back to work but me waking up early to do dressing changes in the morning and then again in the evening. This didn’t last long once Ben was able to get the hang of changing the dressing himself. Our home looked like a medical supply store-crutches, scooter, saline solution, gauze, ace bandages, tapes- all sorts of things to help this wound continue to heal. We found our normal (or what we considered normal) and continue to live a fulfilling life.
I’m thankful to MD Anderson for the care they provided and continue to provide my husband. There is no certain way Cancer should “look like.” Just because you see someone who looks healthy-doesn’t mean that they are. Life will continue to throw us curve balls and i’m ready to play the outfield. With enough practice you can catch those curve balls and throw them back in time to get an “out.” I truly know God doesn’t give us anything we can’t handle. I am put on this Earth for a reason-to serve a purpose and to serve others. It took me a while to realize that and honestly it took my husband getting Cancer to open my eyes once again to the little things in life. Family is important-my family is important to me. The thought of Ben not being here one day is a hard thought to process. The thoughts going through my head of how this could’ve turned out was sickening. But we got through it, and we will continue to get through it. Ben and I make a great team. Our God is strong and my faith will carry me through to the next inning.
Hugs and Loves, Ali
“Do not fear: I am with you; do not be anxious: I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.” Isaiah 41:10
Soap Box Talk: Please get naked. Take a good look at your body. If you see something that doesn’t look normal, make an appointment with a dermatologist. Melanoma is the deadliest form of skin cancer. If untreated, it becomes very aggressive and fast growing. The cancer can quickly spread throughout the body and cause life threatening complications and death. Two people every hour die of Melanoma. Melanoma that has been removed-can come back-even up to 10 years later. It is important to get a full body skin check done by a dermatologist every year.
