I’m not just talking about do you follow the precepts of the Catholic Church. While those are very important in maintaining “Good Catholic Status,” what i’m talking about here is are you living life in a way that shows grace and mercy to others.
Topic of the Day: Understanding God’s Grace
I want to break down this topic. First let’s talk about understanding. The definition of understanding is a mental grasp. I think it is important to know the definition because all too many times we do not understand what is going on in our lives or in others lives. But maybe we do? We mentally grasp the concept of what is going on but we aren’t fully showing our understanding by demonstrating God’s grace.
How many times have you heard about a friend, neighbor or coworker’s trials or tribulations? Probably many times. Maybe someone just experienced the loss of a loved one, maybe someone is battling an illness, or maybe someone is just merely having a bad day. We have all heard about these issues, we relate to them and wait for it..we UNDERSTAND them. Often times we have been there ourselves at some point in our lives so we can mentally grasp what that person is going through. However, where we fall short is showing grace.
Grace is defined as unmerited divine assistance given to humans for their regeneration or sanctification. How can we receive God’s grace if we simply can’t give grace ourselves?
The Catechism of the Catholic Church (ccc) discusses Sanctifying Grace- “The grace of Christ is the gratuitous gift that God makes to us of his own life, infused by the Holy Spirit into our soul to heal it of sin and to sanctify it. It is the sanctifying or deifying grace received in Baptism. It is in us the source of the work of sanctification. (ccc 1999)” This is often referred to as “Habitual Grace” because “Sanctifying grace is an habitual gift, a stable and super natural disposition that perfects the soul itself to enable it to live with God, to act by his love. Habitual grace, the permanent disposition to live and act in keeping with God’s call, is distinguished from actual graces which refer to God’s interventions, whether at the beginning of conversion or in the course of the work of sanctification. (ccc 2000)“
So what does that mean? Well folks i’m here to tell you in very layman terms. We hear people struggle, we understand (mentally grasp) their issues, but we do nothing. We may pretend like we care or that we are concerned, but our actions do not mirror that care and understanding. Why is this? When we here someone struggle we sometimes look the other way. Or we simply say “yeah that’s nothing compared to what I’ve been through.” Or the favorite “what don’t kill you will make you stronger.” Why do we act this way? Why are we not living in God’s grace?
I have no idea. I try to understand and then act on issues my people tell me about. If you are in need, I will pray for you. If you are struggling, I will help you. I will not talk about you to others, I will not be upset or think that your struggle is minor and you are blowing it out of proportion. Every struggle is a struggle. I will lift you up, I will make sure you are okay. Why don’t we do that for everyone?
My husband told me story awhile back about an old family church friend that once told him “How can I help you if you don’t tell anyone that you need help?” Interested, he continued… the old friend told my husband that he’s been in situations where people have been in the hospital and come out and are upset that they had no visitors. Well how are we supposed to be there for you if you don’t tell us what is going on? This is hard y’all. We all have pride, privacy and guarded hearts. Sometimes we need to open those hearts up a little to let others in to be able to lift you up and be there for you in time of need. No need is too little or too small. Refer to my post “Growing Up.” If you do not take those steps first to build you a strong force of friends then opening your heart will not work at this time.
But what you can do is start showing grace to others. Be compassionate, understand them and do not judge them. Do not be jealous of their lack of struggle or ridicule them in their time of need. You are here to be a good Catholic. Yes go to church, but outside of those church walls we need to demonstrate God’s grace. You can do this by understanding others, being there in time of need and giving yourself when you don’t think you can. God gave so much for us, you can give some of yourself for him.
Hugs and Loves, Ali
“but he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.’ I will rather boast most gladly of my weaknesses,* in order that the power of Christ may dwell with me.” 2 Corithians 12:9
Have you ever sat around feeling like you were doing everything in the house while your hubby sits on his rear end and watches TV? Or have you gotten aggravated because you are the only single person in the house that can remember when stuff is due or what plans you have that weekend? Well listen up ladies! This blog is for you.
Topic of the day: Lacking Husbands
I will tell you the point of this blog is to wake up the hubby’s out there in blog reading land and get them to a better place! Maybe this applies to some wives out there.. I will let the person reading this make that decision. ANYWAY!
I am blessed. I am truly blessed to have a HAPPY AND HELPFUL husband. Yeah yeah Ali go ahead we all know Ben is a saint and you are perfect. WRONG. But I will say that I have personally witnessed husbands who had multiple opportunities to be better but chose another route. Why? For instance: Hubby can you smile for the picture? Hell can you please be in the picture? Can you not complain about literally the 30 minute photo session your wife scheduled when all you had to do was show up? You didn’t have to pick out the outfits, buy the outfits, research Pinterest for days making sure your color schemed matched and then re order things due to them not fitting certain kids. Why is it so hard? I see pictures of husbands on Facebook all the time. They do not smile, or if they did smile, it is fake and they look like they could care less about that picture. I am here to tell you, yes you, that when pictures are all you have left, your wife and children will be crying at your casket wanting more. They deserve more. When your child has a grandchild that you have never met because you passed away, it will do them much warmth to be able to pull out a beautiful smiling photo you of. Take the damn picture and be proud of the family you created. If you are not proud of them or if you are not wanting to be in the picture, then you need to speak to your spouse and a professional (like a priest) about mending those fences.
Next. Help out! Yes we know you worked out of the home all day. We realize that it is hot, the hours are hard and your physical and mental strength pay the price. However, you didn’t mind helping conceive those kiddos so let’s not mind helping take care of them. I do not believe I ever read anywhere that it states “A wife is solely responsible for raising kids alone, and having zero help with housework and chores.” Did I miss that article? Hey hubby, unload the dishwasher, fold a load of towels or ask if there is anything you can do to help. Ohhhh wait!! No way you are using the “I handle the outside so I don’t have to handle the inside excuse?” Well hubby, a nice gesture goes a long way into getting way more things that you really want and think about all the time. Are you catching my drift? Because while you are ONLY worried about the outside of the home, the wife is worried about the inside of the home, the homework, the grocery list, the bills, the kid’s teacher appreciation gift that she still has to make, the class fees that she forgot to pay, the field trip form she needs to fill out and the 3 birthday parties that she has to go to the following weekend and still hasn’t bought a gift. Like who is Bobby anyway and will I even know his mom when I get to the party? Because if you don’t go then no one will go to our threenager’s party and then she will be sad. Yep hubby while you were cutting the grass for the 2nd time this week your beautiful bride is overwhelmed.
Since you are here and now to this point I will tell you the answer to this issue. It is your faith. No matter what religion, of course I will speak to the Catholic side of things hence the website name, you need to bring God back into your family. You hubby are the man. God made you strong not just to do manly things outside, but to be the strength and light for your family. Take your family to church, pray for your wife and children, show them that deep down underneath all that manliness is a guy who truly loves his family and his God. Your wife needs you and your children need you. We need more men to be the role model the church aspires for. Your children are watching how you treat your wife. Your son is seeing you dad. Your daughter is watching her mommy work hard with no help. You are continually paving the road to the society that is oh too familiar these days. You have to be the change. PLEASE be the change.
To my hubby Ben: I know you haven’t been and will never be the “perfect husband.” (See 1st blog post “Hey Y’all”) But you are my best friend. I literally do not have a friend that I love more than you. I can tell you all my secrets and you’ve seen me at my worst. We’ve been through a lot of tragedy in a short amount of time and I know the best is yet to come. I appreciate every towel you fold, every dish you load and every veggie you cut the wrong way. Without you, our house would be in shambles and our kids wouldn’t have any-literally any clean clothes. I suck at laundry and I am willing to admit that. You continue to pick up my slack, because together we are a team. I will continue to watch us grow closer to God and keep him first in our family. Our kids need that and they need us. I love you more today than I ever have.
Hugs and Loves, Ali
“Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falls; for he has not another to help him up. Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone? And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken” Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
So I know this may not apply to all my faithful blog readers but it’s on my heart and well you know how that goes. As you may know we have a huge age gap between our children. Our oldest son is 16, then our daughter is 14 then we have a 3 year old baby girl or “threenager” as I like to call her. In case those of you forgot, my two older kiddos are my husband, Ben’s from a previous marriage. ANYWAY! I often struggle with parenting due to the large age gap. Here’s some insight:
Topic of the day: Parenting Forecast-Sunshine or Rain?
I know as a parent we all struggle to make the right decision for our children. To me, this is just part of the job. But lately, this decision making has really gotten to me mentally. So just THIS week I come home from work one day and the threenager sees me and starts crying and screaming. She is complaining that her lady parts hurt and is holding herself. So of course mom decision would be “oh do you need to potty?” Of course she doesn’t need to potty says the 14 year old who has been graciously keeping tabs on her while Ben gets his work stuff situated. I immediately, THROUGH THE SCREAMING KID ask this 14 year old “well how would you know?” Can you tell my patience has already started thinning and I haven’t even slipped off my heels yet. I get told that she just went right before I walked through to door. Okay fine, you win. I take the screaming kid to my bathroom and proceed to talk her off the cliff. While in the bathroom our 16 year old comes to the door. “Hey Mrs. Ali!!” all cheerful and bubbly. I’m already losing my mind and say “Hey buddy, what do you need?” Again, not in my best mom voice. He says “Oh nothing was just coming to tell you hi.” I can imagine him walking away from my bathroom door with his head down defeated. UGH! Come on people throw me a bone here! I yell very loudly, “I’m sorry I’ll come visit with you soon!! Umm Remi is having an issue with umm her too-too!!” Like what 16 year old boy cares about that or wants to know that? “insert face palm”
I struggle with that chain of events that afternoon. Did I not acknowlege the 14 year old when I got home, therefore she was kinda snippy? Did I pay too much attention to the 3 year old? I obviously blew off the 16 year old and how many times does a 16 year old boy WANT to come talk to you and makes his way ALL the way to your bathroom to do so?
Parenting is like Louisiana weather. In one moment you have to be the sunny bright cheerful parent to one kid, then the next moment you have to be the strict thunderstorm mom to the next kid and the last moment you are just trying to not get soaked by the rain with the other kid. It is so hard. You have to parent these kids differently. A 3 year old needs a different level of attention and correction than the older kids. This may seem like I pay more attention to 3 year old than the others. Well maybe I do. Not intentionally. How do you keep it together?
You don’t. You pray that the kids all turn out decent and hope the older kids know that you are doing your best. Case in point- 16 year old comes home from work around 9pm (the girls are already in their rooms sleeping). He is stressed and barges into our bedroom completely losing his mind. “I have so much homework, I have so much to do, I haven’t had dinner, we were so busy tonight at work!” Literally was talking faster that the 14 year old, which by the way, is extremely hard to do. Thank goodness for my handy dandy Snapchat app. I don’t care if you naysayers don’t like the app, I do, our children’s mom (who is awesome) regulates their accounts and logs in and views all their stuff from time to time so I don’t need your opinion on the app. Anyhoo, he put a snap on his story right before he left the parking at work of a picture of his job and a caption stating that his back was killing him and he had so much homework he would probably be up until midnight finishing it all. So I already knew he would be in a “mood” when he got home. He proceeds to continue to stress on the verge of tears when I tell him his supper is in the microwave. He states he doesn’t have enough time to eat he has so much to do! Okay buddy. Listen to me. In a very calm voice I proceed to tell him that he needs to take a break-he just worked a hard shift, go heat up his dinner and eat a few bites, grab a coke and 2 tylenol and get some relief and caffeine to help you stay up and do your homework. He calmed down. He took his breaths and he listened. Did he just need some reassurance? We went over his list of assignments and laid out a course of action to better tackle his list. Ben got up a little while later to check on him and he was sitting in kitchen having his snack and working on homework. I take it upon myself to send him this:
I text him and told him you are smart, you are strong and you can do this. I told him to let me know if there is anything I can do to help with his assignments or get him anything. He replies “Yes ma’am” I proceed to stay up until after 10pm waiting on that text. I finally fell asleep. When we got up the next morning he was in a great mood, said he only stayed up until “about 11pm” and got all of it done. Whew! That was Louisiana weather parenting for sure! The storm came and left and now it was sun shining in our home.
I will always continue to struggle to divide my time fairly. It is hard when our kids are in different walks of life. You have to wear so many hats as a parent that sometimes you forget to change them or take them off when you need to. It is okay. At the end of the day you know you are doing all that you can to give your children the best life they can have. Is it perfect? Of course not! That my friends, would be boring. Learn from mistakes, bring a big bag of hats with you at all times and always love. Without love, your kids will never understand how much they mean to you and how much you rely on God to keep them safe and happy all the days of their lives. Hang on mommas and daddies, it’s going to be a wild ride-but one you will want to keep going on forever.
Hugs and Loves, Ali
“Train the young in the way they should go; even when old they will not swerve from it.” Proverbs 22:6
Have you ever found yourself questioning God? Have you ever asked him “Why?” I know I have! Especially in time of tragedy or great need.
Topic of the day: Overcoming Tragedy
Before I tell you this story, I have to share my experience when I was thinking of the title for this blog. I am driving home from work on Friday and i’m thinking of my next blog post. The topic comes to mind and I start thinking about how to word this thought or how to phrase that part. Ya know the typical “talking to yourself in the moment car ride.” Anyway! I have it all thought out and i’m kicking myself for not having a laptop with me to pull over and start typing these thoughts out. As i’m pulling into our local Pizza Hut to pick up dinner I am trying to figure out the title for the blog. I keep thinking “Grief” or maybe “Death.” I think along the lines of “Bereavement” and none of it fits. I sit in my car and the thought comes to mind “Why God?” LIGHT BULB MOMENT. That’s it! I know I have questioned our God so many times, I know this is the title! I smile, I go get my pizza and return back to the car. Now I listen to the rosary in my car to and from work often. Well I’m plugging in my phone to source the radio to “media” so I can start my rosary app and listen to it. I then hear “Sorrowful Mysteries” and i’m like ahhh no I don’t want to be sad right now, i’ll listen to that later. I unplug my phone and Sirius XM Channel 63 is on (The Message). As i’m about to pull out of parking lot the radio host comes on and says “New music from Austin French” I look down at my screen and this is what I saw:
OH MY GOODNESS!! The chill bumps, the emotion and I knew this was a sign. I have debated writing this topic but I know God is with me and he is giving me the green light.
Tragedy is something that we never want to experience. It breaks you, it destroys families and it can ruin your trust in God, your faith and bring on fears you never knew you had.
I had a great job, in fact a dream job, working in Marketing at a local corporation. I have a degree in Marketing and it was everything I loved. I enjoyed “Corporate America” I had great benefits, great pay and lots of perks and amazing experiences. I am sitting at my desk writing out my to do list on a Friday afternoon. I NEVER do this..but for some reason, there I was literally writing EVERY SINGLE THING I had to do or turn in or email back etc. Then my cell phone rings. It is Ben. He says “Hey I’m coming to pick you up” YAY! Surprise trip? Weekend getaway? I said “Okay but why? Are the kids okay?” he says “Yes kids are fine, i’m just coming to get you.” He refused to listen to me ask anymore questions and I knew something was wrong. I hang up with him and start gathering my stuff and my office phone rings. It is the Director of Human Resources. She is asking that I come to her office immediately. Then our admin assistant shows up at my desk along with a mutual coworker. Am I being FIRED?? I ask that to the admin and she says no i’m not. They walk me all the way downstairs to Human Resources and there is Ben to intercept me. He tells them I’m not going to HR and i’m coming straight with him. Nobody questioned him and I get in his company truck and we leave the property. Okay, where are we going? He says we are going to your parents house. Well I don’t want to drive all the way there without knowing why the hell we are going there?! He looks at me and can barely speak. I demanded he tell me what is going on. Barely able to talk he tells me my father has died. WHAT? Surely he is wrong. My dad is 55 years old and healthy as a horse. Ben tells me that he died in a helicopter crash at work.
REWIND TO LUNCH THAT DAY: My coworkers and I go to a local restaurant to eat lunch off property to celebrate someone’s birthday. I get a local news alert at 11:30am that “3 people were killed in helicopter crash by Cal Cam Line Road.” I thought to myself gosh that is awful! And go have lunch with my coworkers.
Now it is after 3:30pm and I’m JUST finding out my dad died!? So many emotions, so much anger. I have to go to my parents house to meet with my father’s employer representative to ensure I didn’t have any questions or needed anything from his company. Questions? I had a lot of questions! I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think and I couldn’t speak. We finally get to their house and there is my mother, my brother and this Employer Representative. My mother throws my sunglasses and cell phone out of my hand and just hugs me and cries. My brother goes outside and sits on the diving board by the pool and just cries. Here we were, broken and hurting and no one knew what happened or why.
Local news was live on the scene rolling video footage and pictures of the crash. It was the most awful thing I ever saw. Why do they put these photos before we could even absorb what happened? I called my best friend and her and her husband came over immediately. Mom and my brother just sat on the diving board for a long long time. People were showing up. People were coming to see what they could do. My dad’s underwear were still folded on the couch from the laundry he did that morning!
I tell someone maybe my bestie maybe Ben, it is such a blur- to start picking up the house. I go find a notebook and start writing who was coming. I sat in the garage and was the Wal-Mart greeter-accepting food, prayers and hugs as my parents wonderful neighborhood and community started coming by. I didn’t have time to think about what happened. I had to take control of what was going on. No one knew what to do- my mother and brother couldn’t even function.
Finally I get mom to sit down and start calling family. My dad has siblings and my mother has siblings all out of town that all needed to be informed. She starts making the calls and I realize I have no clothes, no toothbrush, nothing. Ben and I live about 45 minutes from their house and there was no way Ben was leaving me and me leave my mom. So a friend that was there went to I believe the Dollar Store and bought me a fresh pack of underwear and a toothbrush and I just wore mom’s clothes.
The next morning we find out that the coroner can’t identify the bodies due to them being burned so badly in the fiery crash. We have to get dental records to the coroner. It is Rabbit Festival weekend and i’m thankful that my parents live in a small town. I call the secretary of the dentist office and she leaves the festival and goes and retrieves my dad’s dental records. The pilot was from California so it would be days before his would arrive and we could get better understanding of what happened.
Speaking of days, it had been days that passed. My mother’s neighbor was over and we were talking outside just the two of us. She asked me if my mother had called the funeral home. No, I knew she hadn’t because I had her cell phone and my cell phone and was regulating her phone calls because she didn’t want to talk to anyone unless it was necessary. I told this neighbor…I didn’t know we had to? I’ve never planned a funeral, I had no clue what to do. I call the funeral home and they immediately come over and start the process, decisions, paperwork etc. We still didn’t have my dad’s body released to us yet so at least we weren’t too far behind. As the week progressed the funeral home calls me and says they need the obituary. Okay I said. She was like no ma’am you have to write it. Now at this point I’ve done more proofing and wrote enough copy that I could do this blind. But at 26 years old this was such a hard task. I never thought I would ever have to write my dad’s obituary. I would’ve never thought my mother was going to be so broken. She is supposed to be the strong one and here we were completely reversed roles. I stayed up until midnight writing that obituary. And that was just the beginning of the strength I would exhibit throughout this tragedy.
My father died on March 15, 2013 and we didn’t get to have his funeral until March 22, 2013. The people that were there. It was incredible. People that I knew of or spoken to a few times were there. People from my dad’s work that came, old boyfriends, classmates and coworkers. The funeral home could not hold all of the people. I remember seeing people standing around the sides and spilling out into the foyer area. I remember walking around the funeral home before everyone got there and reading every single card and note that was delivered with a plant or flowers. AMAZING.
After the funeral, life goes back to normal for everyone but us. We are now over a week I haven’t been to work. I have to drive mom to this appointment about life insurance, and this appointment about dad’s 401K. She couldn’t even read all the paperwork. I completed all the paperwork for his life insurance, his employer paperwork, everything we needed to do for death certificates, continued checking the mail and started on the very very long list of thank you notes that I had to write. I still haven’t been home-I haven’t seen the older kids in forever and there was just so much to do.
I won’t bore you with all the other details of after life paperwork and procedures and mess. Those of you that have been through it know what it is like. But now what was I going to do? My mother could barely function, my brother was barely making it and here I was trying to go back to work and bring normalcy back when there was no way it would ever return.
I emailed my director and manager late one night while I was sleeping in the bed with my mom. It had been I believe about 3 weeks or so since I had went to work. They were so supportive, by the way, throughout the entire ordeal. But I told them in a very lengthy email that I would not be returning. I could not continue to put my job first. I loved my job but I worked a lot. I missed holidays, events and many many dinners. I was never home at a decent time and I rarely had a full weekend off. My dad taught me this hard lesson. Life is too short. It can be taken from you in a moment’s time. I could no longer be so absent. I wanted to spend as much time as I could with my family. I wanted Ben and the kids to know that I was there for every school function and event. I want to be the one cheering from the sidelines instead of through FaceTime. And that day my friends, I started living my life the way I know my dad intended.
I think about my dad every day. There has been many times I asked God, “Why did you let this happen?” “Why would allow my dad to miss my wedding, the birth of my child, and so many other important moments in my life?” The thing is-he isn’t missing any of it. He is always right there with me helping me through my day, the hard times and the great times. It took me going to a wonderful bereavement group at our church to understand this. I met three wonderful ladies who facilitated this group and opened my eyes and my heart in a way I didn’t think possible. Grieving is a process and there is no certain timeline for grief. Take your time, go through the seasons of grief and you will come out of it with a renewed sense of faith, a better trust in God and a promise that God doesn’t ever give you more than you can handle.
We still don’t know what exactly happened in the events leading up to my dad’s death and that terrible crash. Maybe it’s supposed to be that way. I do know that he is smiling down on me and proud of the daughter he raised. Don’t worry dad “I got this!”
Hugs and Loves, Ali
“So you also are now in anguish. But I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy away from you”John 16:22
A fitting topic as our kiddos begin their first day of school. This is a hard one to write because I have many different views on this. But here we go…
Topic of the day: Happy or Sad? Working Mom’s Opinion of Stay at Home Moms
Recently, Remi has been asking me “Mom are you happy or sad?” I am not sure where this started or why she asks. I think she particularly asks me when she knows she has done something that she shouldn’t have or when she knows she may have disappointed me. I usually respond with the correct emotion i’m feeling but it always makes me think… Am I acting sad? Should I act more happy? The struggle of the 3 year old mind game..
Ya see our older kids both went back to school today. High school for both of them! Dang the time sure flew by. Anyway, I didn’t get to see them, make them breakfast or even hug them (they were with their mom this morning). The morning consisted of their dad exchanging funny snap-chats and me sending them a group text “I hope you have a great day! I love you so much!” But there was so much more I wanted to say. SO. MUCH. MORE.
Since I couldn’t tell them I will tell you. I wanted to say “you don’t understand how much my heart hurts right now.” Those children starting school really hits you hard. Especially when you are a working mom. Nope- I didn’t get to go to any school registrations (their momma rocked it out this year!). I didn’t get to bring them school shopping. I ordered what they wanted online as I scarfed down a sandwich at my desk one day. It is hard and sometimes I feel it is unfair. Why do those mommas get to stay home and be there for all the important times of the children’s lives but I have to work? Why do my coworkers give me grief at times when i’m taking off or having to leave early when I have kid related activities? It makes you miss out- it makes you struggle with your adult decisions. Ben and I have a great life, I choose to work because I enjoy the lifestyle that we provide our children and myself. Call it BOUJEE that’s fine. Truth is- I don’t think i’m good “stay at home mom” material.
Stay at home moms are like angels God sends down from heaven. To stay home and be around your kids ALL THE TIME. No sipping coffee at my desk in peace in the mornings? No thank you! I love my children but I am not cut out for that stay at home mom job. There are so many great mommas who can stay home, craft with the kids, make fun lunches and have play dates. The mommas who struggled all night with their newborn just to get up and make their husbands lunch and start their day so tiredly but smile when the toddler walks down the hall. The momma who knows she has 100 things to do and can’t seem to focus on where to start. You mommas ROCK!! I commend you, I admire you and I pray for you all the time!!
I brought Remi to Mother’s Day Out when she was 8 weeks old. It was the hardest thing to do. Was I making a good decision? Would the person caring for her know what she needed? Gosh, I remember getting in my car after I dropped her off and just cried and cried. What did I just do?! I drove to work and made it through the day. Then I made it through the next day and the day after. I was growing just as much as Remi was growing. It still is hard to not pick her up from “school” and see how her day was. I miss out on important notes or information because I also don’t bring her to school in the morning due to my job starting earlier than her school starts. I rely on the best babysitter God could’ve ever given us and pray that Remi knows it’s not because I don’t want to be there, because baby girl I do!!
So when you see a working mom run in to the awards ceremony at the last minute-send her a smile, hell save her a seat! She is struggling, she is doubting herself, but dammit she is going to be there as often she can. There is no handbook to parenting. We will fail and we will succeed. At times we will lean on those stay at home moms to help and those stay at home moms will lean on us. Because at the end of the day we both have the same thing in common. Being a mom.
Convention 2019
Hugs and Loves, Ali
“Whatever you do, do from the heart, as for the Lord and not for others.” Colossians 3:23
Entertaining our children has become a hot topic these days. Should we allow them to watch their iPad or tablet? Should we engage with them so they are not bored? Should we purchase extra fun items to occupy their minds? NO! Well, I have, but I still say NO in my head!!!
Topic of the day: Screen time & mom time
Y’all, when I was growing up I remember riding my bike around our neighborhood, packing picnics and going to the school down the road during the summer and having lunch with my little brother or simply playing in the ditch looking for tadpoles. WE HAVE STOPPED PLAYING LIKE THIS. It’s sad really, but there is a reason. We can’t trust others as we could “back then.” There is no way you can send your kid down the road on their bike to the school because A.) idiot drivers would probably hit them B.) some creeper will probably approach them C.) it is hotter than Satan’s kitchen outside.
So what do you do? You succumb yourself to giving in on the tablet. You know why? Because you are tired, you are hungry, you are wanting 5 minutes of alone time to process what bill you still have to pay or did you even remember to turn the dryer on?
Parents have it hard these days. We are raising children in a society that doesn’t mirror the society we were raised in. So it’s simple to say “i’m going to raise my kids like my momma and daddy raised me.” Well good luck, because the world we live in doesn’t allow us to do so.
Now don’t get me wrong, Remi can entertain herself in her room. She doesn’t need me to get down on the floor and play with her. Have I? Yes I have and will do so again when she asks. Do I ignore her? Have you ever tried ignoring a 3 year old? It really doesn’t work out very well. I don’t just throw her a tablet and said “Get away from me.” There are many conversations, many imaginary stories and consuming of pretend food before we get to that point. In all honesty I try to limit Remi to 1 hour of tablet time before bed. Think of it as a WOOO SAAA for the household. There are days she gets way more, and there are days she doesn’t ever pick it up. My point of this is:
DO NOT JUDGE ME. Hey you! There in the back of the room LISTEN UP! You have no idea what chain of events lead me to the point of allowing her to watch her tablet. You do not know the parental controls or settings I have programmed. She may only be able to watch a power point on the periodic table. YOU DO NOT KNOW THEREFORE YOU SHOULD NOT QUESTION. Case in point- when I am sitting at La Rumba and trying to enjoy my margarita while my kid watches her tablet-get off my back and take your eyeballs to another table. I DO NOT CARE WHAT YOU THINK. Okay that was a lie- I do care because you make it so obvious that you are staring at me. Which gives me anxiety, which in turn makes me question my parenting, but all I really wanted was some hot food for a change and a little margarita to wash it down.
For all the naysayers- Well Ali couldn’t y’all just get a sitter and go out to eat without the 3 year old? Well of course we could Sally but let me tell you that I don’t always want to pay for a sitter, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to bring children that are behaved to a restaurant and La Rumba for me isn’t considered a date night since we eat there at least once a week. Speaking of date nights- I want a date experience. Like I don’t want to go to dinner at 7pm and then come home. Chances are the 3 year old is still awake, that defeats the point of relaxing date night, and I can’t sleep in the next day because..3 year old oh and the dog, can’t forget about the dog. I would rather we bundle all of our monthly date nights and take a quarterly date experience. Go to dinner, go do something after, come home, sleep and sleep and wake up when I want, to the smell of coffee. I know that’s a lot to ask for but it has happened before and can happen again!
There is a point that kid entertainment comes to a halt. That happens when we go to church. Remi is allowed to bring a juice cup and a snack bag of pretzel sticks. I know, I don’t enjoy the fact that she eats pretzels during mass either, but it keeps her from talking and we are trying the best we can to not miss mass. So y’all will have to watch her snack on pretzels and sit there and pretend to read the missal. Yes she has torn a couple of pages, and I hope my tithe to the church will pay for that. Sorry Fr. Luke!! Oh and yes we will get up at least once, but maximum of three times to go potty. It never fails, the only time Remi has to poop is during mass. Guess the Holy Spirit is really working through her! So bear with us, we are trying, we are there and we are making the best of it with what we can do in the moment. I know one day we won’t need pretzels, and I know she will start to understand the parts of mass more, but for now just smile- let all the other mommas in mass know that it’s okay- come as you are- we love you and we are not judging you, but praising you for bringing your children to mass. It is hard, it is not fun some Sundays, but it will be worth it and you are worth it!
Hugs and Loves, Ali
“For as you judge, so will you be judged, and the measure with which you measure will be measured out to you.” Matthew 7:2
First Annulments and now ACTS! Dang Ali you sure don’t waste time speaking on the hard topics of Catholicism!
Topic of the day: ACTS- The mystery of the “Secret Club”
So I have a friend who refuses to go to an ACTS retreat. She thinks it is a cult and a way for the Catholic Church to shun you if you haven’t attended one. There is no changing this person’s mind and I don’t intend to. I will however speak about the myths of ACTS.
Ben made his ACTS retreat in 2014. Back then we weren’t married yet and we were still struggling with our faith due to annulment process (see first blog post “hey y’all”). Remember that neighbor he spoke with about his faith? Well that particular neighbor reached out to him (for like the 3rd time) about making an ACTS retreat. Ben finally agreed to it! (That neighbor ended up being Ben’s best man in our wedding). I dropped him off on a Thursday night and saw him again at mass on Sunday. I do not know what happened at his retreat and guess what? I’m OKAY with that! I do know that when mass was over and we were able to embrace each other physically, he grabbed my hand and held it tightly and did not let go until we left the church. I didn’t care what happened, my future husband was present, physically and faithfully.
Moving on to me. I always thought about going on an ACTS retreat. I’ve been to many return masses for other people who have made their ACTS retreat. It is a beautiful service with the retreatants ending mass in song. Here I was struggling on what to do. Truth be told, I was scared about the return mass, really? I have to sing out loud? Boy oh boy if that was my only fear, then I should be invincible! I submitted my application and got accepted in 2018 to make my first ACTS retreat! I won’t lie-I googled ACTS retreats and attempted to read up on so many things. I was searching and hunting for information on what happened while you were there, down to the the food they served. I was nervous and I was acting like I was about to go to a foreign country!
The thing is ACTS is a big part of our church community. The amount of people that you can lean on in a time of need is incredible. The relationships you share throughout the retreat is indescribable. You learn to love people in ways you thought your heart would never allow. However, ACTS isn’t a cult, like most would think. I taught middle school CCD for almost one entire year before realizing I was the only teacher that hadn’t made an ACTS retreat. No one asked if I had made one, no one wore a name tag that said they had made one. I wasn’t treated differently, I wasn’t spoken to differently. I was a Catholic CCD teacher learning about our faith and God… just like every other teacher that year.
I did go on my retreat in October of 2018. I had a GREAT time!! Although I can’t share my experience, I can tell you that it was one of the best things I have ever done, not only for myself, but for my marriage, my family and my faith journey.
WAIT!!! See you just said you couldn’t tell us your experience!! Isn’t that acting like a SECRET CLUB!?
Think of it this way, would you want me to spoil the movie by telling you the ending without you knowing the events leading up to it? Would you tell your children what Santa Claus is bringing them for Christmas before Christmas morning? Of course not, you would want to see the reaction on their faces, the sparkle in their eyes and the joy in their hearts. That my friends is why ACTS retreats are not open for public discussion. Your retreat is YOUR experience. You will learn things you didn’t know, you will experience Catholicism in a way you haven’t and trust me on this one, you will make lifetime friendships that will change your world in a way you never thought possible. Sometimes we have to “Let go and let God.” See where he takes you, go down the path of righteousness he has laid before you. You won’t regret it. It may take you time and lots of prayers to even pick up an application, but know that God will help you every step of the way, as long as you trust in him.
Hugs and Loves, Ali
Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where the answer to a question was simply yes or no? Often times these questions come from children seeking approval for something. Can I go play outside? YES! Can I watch YouTube on my tablet? NO!
This concept seems pretty simple. Right? Well I’ve found myself being a NO mom A LOT. This particularly came to light when I read a blog online last year about kids helping in the kitchen. While that person did a great job of opening my eyes to being a “No Mom,” I’d like to share the experience with all of you.
Remi comes into the kitchen, “Mommy can I help you?” My prepared answer is “No baby mommy doesn’t need help, I can do it and i’ll be much faster then I’ll come play.” Then of course she rebuttles because she is a product of her mother… “But WHY mommmmmmy!?!” A few back and forth and then I answer with my final frustrated answer of “Because mommy said so!” Disappointed, upset, head down Remi walks away. Now her interest in the kitchen started as soon as she could eat table food. So I’ve had the “No Mom” attitude well rehearsed and in full swing. Why was I limiting her creativity? Why was I preventing a moment of bonding between a mother and her daughter?
I have no idea. I was tired. I worked all day. I came home to prepare supper and knew exactly the steps I had to take and how long it would take. I knew exactly how much time I would have left after supper to do something around the house or start the get ready for bed process. It consumed me. It made me not a happy mom. I despised supper time and everything about it. Well why doesn’t Ben cook? He does, but losing the control over preparing the meal was far too mentally troubling than just cooking it myself. It was a struggle, a nightmare really.
Until the day came that I said yes. Remi wanted to help me in the kitchen and I said yes! Her smile, her excitement. Was I really withholding that moment from her for so long? Did I do the older kids injustice by saying no to them all these years? So many thoughts ran through my head but I had to stay focused on the kid with the eggs in her hand about the drop them everywhere!
The first meal we made together was cheesy scrambled eggs one Saturday morning.
June 9, 2018
Surprisingly, even at recently turning 2 years old only 7 days prior, she didn’t make a mess! I was amazed, she was so happy! Was this what “letting go” felt like? It’s like God slapped me in the face and the result was smile as big as heaven. I knew I had to continue this. I started saying yes more and more. Not just with Remi in the kitchen, but with Ben too. Could he help me chop the vegetables? YES! (Normally I would say no, because he wouldn’t chop them to my standard or I felt like he should rest since his job was more strenuous then mine) BUT, saying yes did so much for me and for my family. I trusted them more, and in return they trusted me. Conversations started flowing in the kitchen and helping me was an avenue for catching up on life. Without tablets, without phones and without distractions. The older kids help me, and I think it provides them with the reassurance they need or seek to know that I believe in them and they are doing a great job.
Sometimes saying yes isn’t always the best decision. I feel strongly though now, that our children need to learn things for themselves. If they don’t learn from their experiences, or always get told no, then we are not adequately preparing them for the future ahead. I felt like I had to make up a lot of lost time of saying no with our older kids, and I feel like we are at a great point in our lives now. They are confident, smart, faithful and respectful teenagers with such a big heart. With Remi, well her journey is just beginning and I know she will do great things. She can make her own waffle, scrambled eggs and has graduated to cooking chicken. She is a fierce 3 year old who has a “yes mom” that will watch her grow into an independent woman someday.
Hugs and Loves, Ali
Instead you should say, “If the Lord wills it, we shall live to do this or that.” James 4:8
Here you would think I’m going to write about my childhood, how I was raised and how I grew up in the Catholic Church.
WRONG!
This post is going to be about growing up in our values, beliefs, what matters most and what matters very little.
Topic of the day: GROWTH
I have always been the type of person that wants to please others. I enjoy hosting gatherings, ensuring others are taken care of, and to the point that I try and remember to make certain foods that I know my guests love or refrain from making foods that I know they don’t care for. WHY DO I DO THIS?
I guess it’s embedded in my DNA. Either way, this my friends comes with a price. The price of always catering to others is this:
You lose your self worth.
You realize that you don’t truly have “friends”
You spend more time making others happy than yourself.
NUMBER 3 is like the biggest SLAP in the face! HELLO!!! ARE YOU HEARING ME?!
Let’s break these down. Losing your self worth…. that’s a huge statement. I found myself starting to ask this question often: Am I worthy? Ya see this for me comes from me always reaching out to others. Checking on them, asking about their day, remembering important days in their week and texting or calling to see how that day went. THIS. IS. EXHAUSTING. The exhausting part is mentally knowing that these friends do not do the same for me. Maybe they are busy, maybe they don’t care, maybe i’m overreacting? Am I worthy of their time? The short answer is NO.
But Ali, you shouldn’t check in with everyone always expecting a reply or expecting them to return the favor.. that is just selfish! Yes, it is. It is selfish of that person due to the way I have given my time for someone who doesn’t appreciate it or value it.
Next up on the list! You realize that you don’t truly have “friends.” I put friends in quotations for this reason: I still talk to some of my “friends” but I don’t consider them as part of my team, my squad, my ride or die type of friend. It doesn’t mean i’m not friendly, or that I am no longer their friend, just in a different aspect. Maybe I should group them as acquaintances but that sounds a little Corporate America. Anyway! Today is a great day to self evaluate your friends list. A friend is defined as a person who has a strong liking for and trust in another. If your “friends” do things that make them unlikable or not trustworthy, then maybe it’s time to GROW!
Finally, my last price I pay is that I spend more time making others happy than myself. SO. MUCH. TRUTH. I have a hard time with this one. Don’t you want others around you to be happy? OF COURSE! But continuously sacrificing my happiness for people that make me feel unworthy isn’t fair. These are the friends that you praise when something great happens to them, but they are silent when life gives you good news. The ones who don’t communicate back to you unless the conversation is benefiting them in some sort of way. The friends that have a negative response to most conversations or in the same sense the ones who have “done it bigger and better.” LIMIT YOUR CONVERSATIONS WITH THESE TYPES OF PEOPLE. This is hard to do. You may have a spouse who is dear friends with this person and it makes it hard to limit conversations. Or you and your so called “friend” may share a mutual friend who is a God send to you and it will be hard to hang out with them knowing your so called “friend” may be there. This is okay. You will be okay. YOU NEED TO BE OKAY.
The thing is, what everyone fails to talk about is the mental side of these behaviors. The anxiety, OCD, over planning, hyperventilation that comes from these experiences. It has truly shaken me to the core of my mental abilities. It took me awhile, but through great faith and great friends, I have learned who to trust, who to lean on and most importantly who to love. Most won’t understand why you are removing them. To be honest, a lot won’t even notice. You will feel different. You will have a joy to your tone and a skip to your step.
Growth is a long process. I know my faith journey is growing daily. I truly believe we never stop growing. Some people grow faster than others and some people grow longer than others. All is okay. That is why God made us all special and unique in our own ways. Do your friends a favor today. Send out a text, call your neighbor, spread the love and check on those who you may have been neglecting. Life happens, but there is always time for true friends.
Hugs and Loves, Ali
” I have told you this so that you might have peace in me. In the world you will have trouble, but take courage, I have conquered the world.” John 16:33
What is a Southern Catholic? Well I’m here to tell you it is someone who loves God, faith and food! I’ve never written a blog before. Actually I have. This is my second time writing this particular blog since I don’t know how to save my work properly! AHHH! Anyway! I love reading blogs and thought I could provide insight on Catholic faith, issues Catholics may face and hopefully share some yummy recipes if my supper turns out fabulous!
So who is the person writing this blog! Well let me introduce myself. My name is Ali Byrd and I am married to my husband Ben. We live in Louisiana. Particularly we live in Carlyss, LA which is like a suburb of Sulphur. Yes it is on Google maps. Between us we have three children: Jaeb (16), Kinsey (14), and Remi (3). That’s right folks! A 3 year old! Why the large age gap? That is because my two oldest children Ben had from a previous marriage. We get along great with their mother! She is an asset to our co-parenting relationship! *Insert gasps, confusion and eye roll* Yes I know that is hard to believe, but we get along GREAT! Now we weren’t always besties, but that’s another story for another day.
Topic of the day: ANNULMENTS
WAIT! You’re Catholic and you’re going to talk about one of the most controversial topics in the Catholic faith? Yes I am! Here’s a little backstory…
Ben and his first wife were married for 10 wonderful years. Well I would assume they weren’t all wonderful which leads us to our topic of the day. Anyway, they were baptized and raised Baptist and got married in a Baptist Church. Then had two beautiful children and divorced in 2009. I know, I know I left a lot out there…not my story to tell!
Fast forward. Ben and I met in 2011 and he was already interested in Catholicism and had started asking our neighbor lots of questions about the faith. He eventually started the RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults) process to convert to Catholicism. As Ben and I’s relationship continued to grow so did our faith. In 2013 Ben asked me to marry him. YAY!! Super fun wedding planning time! That was until we realized he had to get an annulment from his first marriage. A WHAT?! Google search quickly opened up an entire new world. Ben met with our former priest. That meeting was such a bummer! It was not the news he had thought he would received. Miles and miles of paperwork, witnesses? You need witnesses!! We were discouraged, our faith was shook, now what were we going to do? The process was so lengthy, time consuming and no guarantee date of approval. Maybe a year or maybe many years before we would know. BUMMER! Here we were joyous about getting married and here the Catholic church was crushing our dream. What’s the big deal? Two Baptists married in a Baptist Church. There is nothing CATHOLIC about that! Why was an annulment even necessary!?
Ben and I married civilly on September 20, 2014.
What happens after your wedding day? LIFE. Work, kids, schedules, vacationing out of the country, having a baby, selling our home and buying a home two weeks before Christmas. Where was our faith? Shouldn’t that be part of your life?
I started teaching Middle School CCD a couple years ago to be able to spend more time with Kinsey. That was life changing. So many things about the Catholic faith I had forgotten. I learned more about sacraments and the views of Catholicism. I realized Ben’s previous marriage was in fact looked at by the Catholic church as entering into a sacrament because two baptized individuals entered into a marriage together in their church. It was starting to make sense. Church starting becoming our routine again and kids started asking why I didn’t get up to go to communion. Simple answer was I wasn’t living in God’s grace. That simple answer turned into many complicated questions and answers I wasn’t willing to provide to my class. What were we doing?! We were living our life not the way God intended as Catholics! Did it really take Middle School CCD to show me this? Yes, it did. God’s timing is perfect and oh so good.
Ben and I knew we weren’t going to make any more mistakes and wanted to not be embarrassed or ashamed any more at church by not being able to fully participate in mass. Remi is excited to go to mass and always asks when she can go to see God. (She thinks our current priest is God, but does know his name too) We needed to make this right, we needed to show our kids, who are all practicing Catholics, that we were going to do right by God and raise them the way God intended. By this time Pope Francis had already announced the annulment process was to be made easier. No fees, shorter processing time and encouraged Bishops to help those seeking annulments. YAY! Good news! The Vatican must have been hearing our prayers all these years!
Ben schedules a meeting with our current priest and they got the process started. The process was simply filling out some general information then taking home a testimony questionnaire/essay template. The questions. There was probably 100 of them if not more. Ben started on the testimony. WE started on the testimony. The testimony is a series of questions that asks about your childhood, your former spouses childhood, growing up, dating, marriage etc. The emotional roller coaster had begun. Some things I knew happened, some things I didn’t. It is a very raw process to dig deep into your soul and pull out those hurts and tribulations that happened so long ago. We grew closer in our marriage. We saw what happened, here it was in black and white of what went wrong. Ben and I became stronger because of that testimony. Boy, God works in mysterious ways.
We type the testimony and mail it to the diocese in August 2018! WHEW!! It is over! We have conquered the world! A few weeks pass and we receive a letter from diocese. Could it be that easy!? Decision already? No, but still good news! The diocese had written to inform us that Ben’s testimony was accepted and we would be receiving mail correspondence soon regarding the next step of process. ACCEPTED! Like he just got accepted into the most prestige university in America! We were on cloud nine. We were hopeful, prayerful and loving our Catholic faith.
A couple weeks later we receive paperwork in the mail that it is now time to name the witnesses. WHAT? The criteria to be a witness must be: someone that knew both parties BEFORE they got together, WHILE they were dating, WHEN they got engaged, DURING their marriage and AFTER the divorce. *crickets chirping* Ben struggled with this. The diocese prefers the witnesses to not be family members either. Also, the witnesses had to write a mini testimony which consisted of probably 50 questions about the couple’s home life, school life, married life etc. After much consideration and phone calls and prayers Ben named his witnesses and mailed to paperwork back to diocese. Shortly after we received word that the witnesses received their packets and only had about two weeks to turn them in. All witness statements were turned in on October 16, 2018. YAY! We are on the home stretch now!
During the waiting period our faith grew. Our kids love Catholicism. Jaeb has been playing guitar in the youth band. We attend mass regularly and patiently wait for our turn to receive the Eucharist knowing we should find out the judgement soon. As it turns out, I received word from a friend who is waiting on an annulment, that the diocese has a few from 2018 they are about to make decisions on. Could this be true? Could we really have this chapter of our life about to close? I prayed and prayed! As I knew this was about to come to a head I went and even purchased a white dress that I knew I wanted to wear to our Convalidation Ceremony that I was sure our priest would do for us on the same day as our civil marriage anniversary. Can you tell i’m a planner?
August 1, 2019 we get home from work and there is the letter from the diocese. Kinsey runs into the house and brings it to us so excited for what would be inside. I stop cooking, the house stops, the world stops as Ben opens this letter. I don’t even think I was breathing. He reads and reads and Kinsey is over his shoulder and I’m standing next to him ready to celebrate. Nothing, no emotion. Was he in shock? Was it a good shock? Kinsey walks away with her head down. No, God no. Don’t do this to us. We have longed for this for so long. DENIED. All those raw emotions, the struggles through our faith, the past, the future are all going through my head. I can’t think, I can’t breathe and I couldn’t believe it.
What do we do now? There is an appeal process. Is that the route we would take? We only have 15 days to do something. I quickly send a couple texts to some of my ACTS sisters and get some insight. After the intial shock of the decision settled in, Ben decided he would call our Deacon for some insight. After speaking to our Deacon, Ben realized why the annulment wasn’t approved. The diocese didn’t want the reasons as to why they divorced, they wanted insight on your mental and emotional behavior leading up to the marriage. Were there any doubts? Were there any concerns? These answers would provide the diocese with the necessary information they needed to make a just decision. LIGHT BULB MOMENT. Ben finally understood.
Due to our Deacon not being assigned to be Ben’s advocate for the annulment process, there wasn’t much he could do in terms of the appeal process. Ben meets with our parish priest and he tells Ben that he needs to speak to diocese the following morning when they open. Ben leaves the meeting with our priest and drives straight to the diocese. A man with a plan! He had a GREAT experience there! The staff was helpful, explained to him the appeal process, and even typed his appeal letter for him. The staff told him if his former wife could write about the missing pieces of the story that they would take her letter and mail it with his appeal letter and should get a quick responses. Our diocese even typed up the bullet points of topics for his former wife to include in her letter. THEY LITERALLY ROCK!! Ben calls his former wife and she graciously agrees to help out as she is also wanting the annulment to be approved. She told Ben that she would write the letter and drop it off to the diocese this week. WE LOVE HER!
Now we wait. We pray and we know that God’s timing is always perfect. The annulment process isn’t a fun one but it surely has done great things for my marriage and my faith. Just when you think God was closing the door on you, there he is with arms open wide leading you to the higher ground. Anyone looking to get an annulment needs to seek out an advocate who is truly knowledgeable of the process for your diocese. That may mean a Deacon, that may mean a different priest than your current parish. Trust me, you won’t regret that and your faith life will blossom through it.
Hugs and Loves, Ali
Jesus said to his disciples: “Do not think that I have come to abolish the law or the prophets. I have come not to abolish but to fulfill.” Matthew 5:17
