Month: April 2020

Sometimes we imagine ourselves to be a certain type of person or parent or employee or maybe spouse. In our minds we have created this picture of a stereotype that we fit. Maybe we are helicopter parent, maybe the verbally abusive spouse, maybe the overworked employee. Either way we all seem to have a place we “fit” into when it comes to the picturesque scene of the person we have become. Well today I became a person I never thought I would be, especially in this pandemic given all that has already occurred.

Topic of the day: The life cycle of a mother’s patience

Yep. I was that mom. The yelling at the top of their lungs because all I wanted was five minutes… no just five SECONDS to think clearly. The threenager is in full force today and I’m blessed to be able work part time at the moment to give me a chance to stay home with her more without the headache of juggling the work from home scene. After a long day of playing and a much shortened nap due to a loud thunderstorm and lightning show here we were drained. All I wanted was to enjoy some peace and quiet. I even got as far as turning on Netflix for the first time in a long time. After going through all the recently watched kid movie and cartoons that somehow appeared on my account, I finally get to the grown up shows that don’t involve animation. As I sit with my adult snack of cheese and crackers and fruit and get cozy to enjoy some me time. BOOOM! Lightning and thunder and lights blinking and then a voice of MOM WHAT WAS THAT NOISE? Sigh…

The rest of the afternoon was the usual trying to do things while constantly being interrupted. The having to sit right by me or touch me the entire time and really invading any personal space I thought I had. I know all you naysayers that keep reading my blogs: I need to enjoy it, they are only little once, they grow up too fast, blah blah. I know this. I have two step children who are 17 and 15 and were 7 and 5 when I came into the picture. I get it. But what you don’t get is mental health. It is a serious thing. It is a real thing. And today was the day that I blew up. I lost my cool. I lost my patience and the more awful thing about it was that I was on FaceTime with someone who heard it all go down when it happened. Not my best mom moment, hell not my best moment period. I screamed. I’m not talking about a forceful tone, no no, I screamed at my threenager. I NEED A BREAK!!! CAN YOU PLEASE GET OFF OF ME FOR FIVE MINUTES NOWWWWWWWWWWW!!! Yep those were the words. Or they are close to them. It’s a blur now. But what happened next isn’t.

There she went face down on the couch away from me and she started crying, loudly and sobbingly for a long time. What did I just do? I hang up my call and just stare into space for a minute. I’m upset, I know she’s upset, this world is all crazy right now and I just took away the last safe space she knows. Her school, her extended family, her friends, everything has been stripped from her like ripping off a band-aid without warning. Then here I am the last blow to her little heart.

I tell her to come here and all she says is “Mom I just want you.” I hold her and we rock and I explain to her why I got upset. Surprisingly she is very witty for her age and she said I was mad because she didn’t say excuse me when she needed something while I was talking. But it’s more than that- my patience was thin to begin with and I shouldn’t have let it get to me. She is three and I should be more gracious with my patience. Do I feel like a bad mom? OF COURSE I DO. Am I a bad mom? OF COURSE NOT. I know this. But what this has made me realize more so during this pandemic is this…

Grown ups have a means to socialize. Whether it is through social media, with our spouse, a text message or a phone call to our friends and family and even that FaceTime call. Some of us are still working and see other adults and people outside of our family on a more frequent basis which eliminates the anxiety and need for that said socialization. Our little ones have not seen their friends, their classmates, the people that are the same age as them that they have bonds with in a long time. My threenager has not seen her class pet Freddy Fish and it worries her, all the time. She asks about him daily and hopes that he is okay. A class fish? Something so trivial that a grown up would likely not think twice about. The routines, the story time and the show and tells. All gone and who knows when she will get them back. It is as if these little ones are completely isolated. Yes they have their parents, siblings, maybe grandparents or cousins but those people do not replace their friends and the normalcy that they all once knew.

My point is today was the day I failed to show grace. I failed this from the beginning of my day in other ways that are for another blog. Today was the day I failed my precious, innocent daughter. Do I think she will remember this day? I pray not. But will I remember this day? Always. Our actions always have reactions.

I’ve taken my afternoon to reflect on how God always shows us grace. Yes we’ve sinned, we’ve messed up in life and we have all shown our fair share of not favorable moments. Yet here God is always with open arms waiting for us and showing the grace that we don’t feel like we deserve. God always loves us even through our ups and downs and our highs and lows. Take the time today to show grace to others, even when our patience isn’t where it should be. Show your children and family that while we are still human, we can always get back on the path God is laying before us. Sometimes we derail and have outbursts like today. That is all part of becoming the best version of ourselves for God and our family. We learn from instances like this and it helps us to look in the mirror and reflect. What am I doing that is preventing me from showing grace to others? How can I let God in to give me the gift of grace?

Hugs and Loves,

Ali

“For by grace you have been saved through faith, and this is not from you; it is the gift of God; it is not from works, so no one may boast.” Ephesians 2:8-9

I’ve struggled with words *I know that’s a shock to some of you* over how I want to express my thoughts throughout the Coronavirus situation. I’ve had many emotions during this experience, much heartache, uncertainty, disappointment, frustration and peace. Yes, I said peace. Crazy huh? Let’s explore…

Topic of the day: Channeling our Emotions through Faith & Conversation

I’ll be the first one to admit, I did not always believe this situation we are currently experiencing was real. Well I mean I know it’s real and I know people were sick but I guess I felt inferior? Maybe I was just not wanting to believe the world and church as I knew it was about to be turned upside down like picking up your neighbor’s house and shaking out the contents and trying to piece them back together without truly knowing where everything goes.

As I sat in mass the morning before the church was to be shutdown I remember feeling uncertain. Was this the last time I was going to sit in mass? How exactly was church going to fit into our new normal? To watch our priest sob during his homily and the Liturgy of the Eucharist was incredibly heartbreaking. It was an experience I will never forget and receiving Christ on my knees for the first and likely last time was a whirlwind of emotion. You see, prior to this mass I had never used the kneeler while receiving communion. I am not sure why exactly, just never did. I guess part of the reason is having to corral the threenager during the communion procession so just seemed easier to stand. After mass I hugged many of my ACTS sisters that were there in attendance. How I miss those hugs. You know the long, embracing, warm hugs that just make you feel at peace? Yep those are the ones I long for when this pandemic is over.

Now that church is closed in accordance with schools, life as I knew it is different. My worries are different, my anxiety is different and the small things that used to consume me don’t anymore. Was this God telling us to slow down? Was the erasing of appointments on my two month refrigerator calendar telling me to stop and smell the roses? I think so! Now we are a month into this and boy I have slowed down. I have spent time with family and have learned things that I didn’t know before.

I have learned that I could never be a stay at home mom, but we all knew that based on previous posts. I have learned that I could never be a school teacher. Honestly, I’ve doubted myself on even being a good mom at this point. My patience wears thin, my anxiety fluctuates as I wonder and worry about the future and my heart hurts more than normal. I feel like maybe I put emotions on the back burner for so long that now that I have time to sort through them, they come flying into the room like a fighter jet. I have listened to my children’s fears and concerns, which now sit on my shoulders and weigh them down more than they used to be. Did I just brush it all under the rug because life was so busy? Have I really never sat and listened?

On the flip side of this is now that I have sat and listened and been home more I realize that my children expect a whole lot. Like not just the normal food and shelter expectations but champagne wishes and caviar dreams type expectations. I’m actually embarrassed to even admit that. My husband and I have been fortunate (now) to provide them with a plentiful life (the struggles are another topic for another day). They have the latest gadgets, their own rooms, laptops, Xbox, smart watches etc. You name it, they likely have it. I have reflected on this for five days now. How could we have let this happen? I’m struggling through these thoughts. My husband and I have had in depth talks. No, our kids are not disrespectful, they make great grades, exceed every expectation we’ve set education wise, but yet here we are, dealing with me feeling under appreciated and the many hats I’ve been wearing are starting to get worn and need replacement.

Here I was a month ago in a mindset of the discomforts of the stay at home order were actually not the only discomfort I imagined I’d be dealing with. We as parents keep a lot of our emotions in. We don’t want our children to see our struggles, our fears or our loss of hope. Our spouses play a huge role of continuing to keep the family at 100% even when I’m only providing 20%. Even at 20% i’ve done cooked two meals, cleaned kitchen, school work with the threenager, paid bills, prayed, said Chaplet of Divine Mercy, put band aids on booboos and created chalk designs on driveway and had home ec with baking cookies. But yet at the end of the day I feel like on a scale to 100% it’s only 20% of myself given to my family.

This may seem hard to comprehend, I know it was for me until I’ve reflected on it. You see, my family (not always just immediate and not always blood related) continue to take from me piece by piece. I start out at 100% and as they chip away taking their turn I’m left very empty at the end of the day. There is only so much your spouse can replace. Picture this- A shadow of the human body with a bunch of holes where you can see light shining through. As the holes continue to multiply, the harder it is for your spouse to fill those holes. It’s like they will never catch up some days. This happens often and has happened more often these days at our home. At the end of the day we are left with 60% after we come together and that my friends is not enough to keep your family whole.

What can you do? Talk to your children. Yes even the toddlers. You might have to be creative with smaller children but your older children will understand. Sit them down and tell them you are struggling. Tell them your fears and thoughts. Let them know that at the end of the day you do not equate to 100% and it takes everyone to help with that. Tell them that as much as they take, they can put back. Just like with fixing your plate at supper time, you don’t want to take more food then what you are going to eat…do not take more from mom or dad then what you need. I know that sounds awful, but we are all human and we all have only so much to give. I have three children and prior to the conversation they were all taking more from me then what they truly need at the moment. If we explained this and they can assess their needs and wants it will provide you with more of yourself to give when they really need it. It’s okay to feel defeated and it’s okay to tell your children the truth. Now I would ask you exercise personal judgement with this as you are the only one who knows your children better than anyone else. Make sure the fears or things you are telling them is something they can handle, if not I would not use this example.

The conversation I had was different with all three of my children. All had different reactions and all had different understandings. The fact of the matter is my friends we are not superheros. Yes as a mom we want to tackle it all and do it all and show the ones we love that we are okay. But if we continue to hide behind the truth that we are not okay sometimes we are just giving our spouse and children a false sense of security. We expect them to be honest with us and we should return that favor to them. You might be surprised at the conversation you have with your children when your heart and honesty is on the table and not theirs for a change.

As I conclude, I want all of you to know that I’m praying for you. I’m praying for your health, your families and all those struggling big and small during this pandemic. Please utilize the live video streams of mass offered to you, the drive thru confession lines and of course reach out to your local parish if you need assistance. The church has never left us, the church is all around us everyday. It is up to you to bring that church into your home and share it with your family.

Hugs and Loves,

Ali

“Therefore, you shall love the LORD, your God, with your whole heart, and with your whole being, and with your whole strength. Take to heart these words which I command you today. Keep repeating them to your children. Recite them when you are at home and when you are away, when you lie down and when you get up.” Deuteronomy 6:5-7